Monday, March 10, 2014

A Small but Large Surrender

It's been 8 years since I first started my little venture to earn extra money.

8 years ago, I was a single mom with Mr. Kevin, who at the time had just turned 4.  I worked long hours as a CNA in nursing homes and as an in home aide.  I didn't see him much.  He had needs that tore at my heart that I couldn't tend to because I had to work and not be available to take care of him.  The day I asked to go part time at my full time job, to be able to be at home and still barely be able to make the bills...I lost my job.

So I started sewing things to sell on Ebay.

I had Kevin's SSI income--he has been considered disabled since birth due to being a 1 pound micro preemie born 12 weeks early, with significant medical issues.  I had occasional child support.  Those took care of the brunt of the bills, which helped tremendously as I had to be off a lot for his needs, sicknesses, appointments, hospitalizations, etc.  Not many employers like their employees gone all the time for kids' needs.  So when I started selling from home, it helped ease the pressure a bit, and let me be home with Kevin.

As the years wore on, my skills improved, as did my living situation, going from single mom to married with 2 2 special needs stepchildren along side Kevin.  I held on to "MY" little piece of autonomy, independence, something that was just "MINE".  Business name changes came and went, skills increased, but something was missing.

God wasn't in it.

Sales waned, time didn't allow for making of more inventory, and simply keeping home and tending family grew more important, as it should.  That didn't stop me from pushing, from trying to hold on to what was "MINE", that last little thread from my past that was mine and mine alone, that if needed was there to earn a few extra dollars.

This time, I let go.

I've surrendered the last link of autonomy.  That last "MINE", is on the altar.  I have at last let go of the fear of the "what if", of having that desire to have something laid aside in the case of being a single parent again.

The fear of "what if God doesn't provide".

I've held out that last bit of surrender, of trust, for years.  I've held back just a smidge, waiting for if or when something would happen that I would have to jump in and save the day.  I've held a back up plan..."just in case".

Today, it is surrendered.

I realize I have sinned in doubting, in not completely trusting the Lord to do as He said He would.  This hit me yesterday in church, listening to Pastor talk about Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Esau, and how the sin of doubt caused so much problem.  I've watched the Lord work out what seemed impossible things just in the past months, provide finances to cover bills when there was not near enough money, provide food (especially meat) when the pantry/fridge/freezer was nearing bare and no money to buy more.  I've watched has He has worked on my husband's heart and turned him to Him.  I had no reason to doubt.

So I choose to doubt no more.

Today, I shut down my sewing for sale.  Today, my skills are for family, for friends, for charities...  Should hubby and I agree to another venture, it will not be "MINE", but "OURS", and only if the Lord directs and after lots of prayerful consideration.

To others this is a small me, it is a big surrender, letting go of the one last part of my past I held on to for years.  The last symbol to me of a hint of independence.  Today, I let it go.

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